Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by cazinguernsey on Mon 05 May 2008, 3:19 pm

Two cannibals were eating a comedian.

One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"

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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by cazinguernsey on Mon 05 May 2008, 3:22 pm

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"
The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Fri 09 May 2008, 9:04 pm

Must help the wife


Smith goes to see his supervisor
in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy
house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the
attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Sun 11 May 2008, 8:54 pm

Politicians accident
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local Police came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Sun 15 Jun 2008, 9:39 pm

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man

opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another

seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The

man seemed more amused, so she once again moved.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to

the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for

himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got

on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down

under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I

grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's

Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she

placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,>> "William's Big

Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign

that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'...

I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by ploughman on Mon 23 Jun 2008, 9:06 pm

The Wife


My wife's gone to the West Indies
Jamaica?
No, she went of her own accord.

My wife's gone to the Indian coast
Goa?
Phwoar! I'll say!

My wife's gone to St Petersburg.
Is she Russian?
No, she's taking her time.

My wife's gone to Northern Italy
Genoa?
I should think so, we've been married for 20 years.

My wife's had an accident on a volcano
Krakatoa?
No. the silly cow broke her leg.

My wife's gone mad in Venezuela
Caracas?
Yes, absolutely 'kin mental

My wife's gone to the Welsh border.
Wye?
I ain't got a clue

My wife's gone to the botanical gardens.
Kew?
Yes, it was rather bloody busy.

My wife's gone to Malawi
Lilongwe?
Yes, about 5000 miles

My wife's got an upset tummy in Laos
Inkhazi?
Yes, constantly on the bog.

My wife's gone to see relatives in France
Nice?
No, her Aunt and Uncle actually

My wife's gone on a singing tour of South Korea
Seoul?
No, R&B

My wife caught a cold in the Gulf
Qatar?
Yes, she was coughing up greenies for weeks

My wife had an accident in Slovenia
Bled?
like a slit wrist .

My wife's parents are from Croatia
Split?
No, they're still happily married.

My wife went to a very bad concert in South East Asia
Singapore?
Terrible. And the rest of the band was even worse.

My wife went on a sailing course in Poole
In Dorset?
Yes, she'd recommend it to anyone.

My wife had a nasty car accident in Mid-Wales?
Lampeter?
No, she drove into a wall.

My wife's gone to Indonesia.
Jakarta?
No, she flew with British Airways.

My wife's studying polar bears somewhere in the Arctic.
Alaska?
Impossible, her mobile phone is switched off.

My wife's gone to Iceland.
Hofn?
No, just the once.


My wife bought some second-hand clothes in Cheshire.
Altrincham?
No, they fitted her bloody perfectly

my wife bought her first motor near newcastle
redcar?
no its a blue van
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Fri 27 Jun 2008, 1:44 pm

After speaking to the passengers, the pilot
forgets to turn the intercom off, turning to his co-pilot he says im
gonna have a s*** then shag the arse of that new air stewardess. The
air stewardess runs up the aisle to warn the pilot that his intercom is
still on, when she trips over, No need to rush love says a little old
lady, he`s gonna have a s*** first


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Spirit on Sat 28 Jun 2008, 3:59 pm

A woman is at home when she hears someone
knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man
standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man
and he asks the same question of the woman, "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband decides he is taking
tomorrow off work to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, "Honey, I'm going to
hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to
answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with
it."

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same
fellow is standing there and asks the same question, "Do you
have vagina?".......

"Yes" she says......

The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?!?!?!





















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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Spirit on Sat 28 Jun 2008, 5:41 pm

A woman walks up to her husband in a crowded pub, and says "Please go over there and defend my honour"...

"That man over there said that he would like to fill my Pussy with beer and drink it"! says the wife

"Get lost" said the man, I am not going over, to talk to him.

"Why, the hell not"? exclaims the wife

"Because I'm not fighting a man, who can drink that much fu****g beer" says the husband





















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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Spirit on Sat 28 Jun 2008, 5:56 pm

An Australian businessman goes to Japan to negotiate a deal . On his
first night his obiliging hosts take him to a high class brothel, where
he is given a choice of women. He retires to a room, climbs aboard and
give his prostitute a red-hot go, finishes up, and leaves. On his way
out he asks the madam, "Excuse me, the girl was fantastic, aboslutely
brilliant. But tell me one thing- on every downstroke , she'd scrunch
up her face and yell 'WARAMAKAZI !, WARAMAKAZI !, It was amazing Tell
me what does it mean ? " The madam seems embarrassed, but manages to
tell the man that the word means " Very Good" .

Happy the man goes to his hotel. The next day his hosts take him
golfing. On the second tee, his Japanese host hits an amazing drive
down the middle of the fairway which bounces twice on the green and
trickles into the cup for a perfect ace. The Australian businessman
turns and yells "WARAMAKAZI !, WARAMAKAZI !"

His hosts turns and says, "What do you mean, wrong hole ?"
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Spirit on Sat 28 Jun 2008, 8:41 pm

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and
slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped,
did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce.
"Bruce, Bruce" she yelled.

Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've blinkin' suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Struth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his
mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said.

Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break
the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and
play with her boobs."

"Play with her boobs"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that
mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we
can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".





















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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Sat 28 Jun 2008, 9:14 pm

Dear Aunt Tilly,



I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more
than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt.







I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady
making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we
have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to
make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had
come to her rescue but found her unconscious.







He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and
began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and
kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But
when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down
and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I
told him to stop or I would leave him.







He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but
ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?



Sincerely, Susie Fox



-----------------------





Dear Susie,



A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by
a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the
fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines
onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber . I hope
this helps.



Aunt Tilly





PS. or…………..Join the AA!


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Spirit on Sat 28 Jun 2008, 10:18 pm

Little Billy asks his dad for a TV in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sits there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy replied, ' Wimbledon .'
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by kiwis kitten on Fri 04 Jul 2008, 12:38 pm

MORNING SEX



She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,
'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,
'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.'




~Desire Makes Me Weak~
Sexy Isn't what u wear.... Its How U take it off
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by ploughman on Sun 13 Jul 2008, 7:53 am

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering

the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma

of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.





He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself

from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way

out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the

railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.





With laboured breath, he leaned against the

door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's

agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for

there, spread out upon the kitchen table were

literally hundreds of his favourite scones.





Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his

devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left

this world a happy man?







Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself

towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the

edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife

with a wooden spoon .....

.........



.........



F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Mon 14 Jul 2008, 6:51 am

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this
take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I
stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again
although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Nicky on Tue 15 Jul 2008, 1:27 pm


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the
father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says,
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with
all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'


She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No ........ I'm your son's teacher.'


:PMSL:
_
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Spirit on Tue 15 Jul 2008, 6:40 pm

A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes...........BOOM!!!
A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading
towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up.
After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in
white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting
surrounded by ledgers.
'Excuse me sir,' he says 'are you Mohammed?''No' replies the old man,
'I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs'.
'But this is wonderful news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher
than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'.
With this he carries on
climbing up the stairs.
After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing.
Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and
a long white beard.
'Excuse me sir,' he says 'are you Mohammed?''No,' replies the old man,
'I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up
the stairs'.
'But this is amazing news,' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher
than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!!!!.
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour
or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting
on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard
and long white hair.'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am God.'
'But this is absolutely amazing news' screams the bomber,
'Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe
it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!!!!'
'You look tired my son,' said God 'would you like to sit
down and rest a while? 'Oh yes' replied the bomber 'I am very tired and would
love a rest before I carry on, thank you'.
The bomber sits down and God says 'You look thirsty my son, would you
like a cup of coffee? 'Oh yes please' replies the bomber 'I am most thirsty,
thank you'. With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts 'Oi,
Mohammed, two coffees over here, and make it snappy!!'
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Tue 15 Jul 2008, 8:10 pm

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly
tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were
finally over, she & Charles had retired back to there room.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones
feet are killing me.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor . . .
. But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

'Harder' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody
tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed
'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See
I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the
other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's my boy,
Once a Navy man, always a navy man!'


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Spirit on Thu 17 Jul 2008, 8:22 am

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area.
A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here... Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'


Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.

Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man.


'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new,' answered the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'

The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here 's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'

'But Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen lady,' he replied, 'I'm 78 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.


I'm out of here.'
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by ploughman on Thu 24 Jul 2008, 8:19 pm

A Short Love Story


A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f**kin' blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by ploughman on Thu 31 Jul 2008, 5:46 pm

Walking into the bar, Richard said to Charlie the barman, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Richard replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really," said Charlie. "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken sh*t!"
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by ploughman on Fri 08 Aug 2008, 12:02 pm

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics in Beijing, but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon a construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "Paddy Murphy, fencing."
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Spirit on Sat 09 Aug 2008, 11:10 pm

A man enters a cafe and sits down. He notices that the special of the
day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says,
"I'll take the cold chili."

"I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says the
waitress.

"Oh, I'll just have coffee, then."

After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full.

He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other man replies, "No."

"Would you sell it to me?"

"You can have it for free if you want it."

So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets
about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too."


"The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge."
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Spirit on Sun 17 Aug 2008, 2:11 pm

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass.
At the ConnorPass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'F**k dat. Dis budgie jumping is too f***'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE....
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'F**k dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his f***'n hengliding!


"The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge."
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Sun 17 Aug 2008, 7:30 pm

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending
market in America and the earlier run on Northern Rock in the UK,
uncertainty has now hit Japan.



In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.



Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.



While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.



Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Spirit on Sat 30 Aug 2008, 8:05 pm

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said "No".

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease ... and HE'S the bastard who ran over my FROG!"


"The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge."
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by cazinguernsey on Sun 31 Aug 2008, 6:32 pm

Eve's side of the story...................

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

'So, how is everything going?' enquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one
problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.

'That is a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see...........where did I put that useless tit?


Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Sun 07 Sep 2008, 9:52 am

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have
at least seen my demonstration.

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all trace of this horse
manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

What part of 'broke' do you not understand?


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by kiwis kitten on Mon 15 Sep 2008, 12:54 pm

Counselling

Hilary and her husband Barry went for counselling after 37 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Hilary went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 37 years they had been married..She went on and on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Lesley to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Barry watched with a raised eyebrow. Hilary shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.


The therapist turned to Barry and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

Barry thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf. Can you pick her up?"




~Desire Makes Me Weak~
Sexy Isn't what u wear.... Its How U take it off
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

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