Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Chok Dee Ja on Thu 04 Dec 2008, 12:25 pm

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by ploughman on Thu 04 Dec 2008, 7:02 pm

An old couple are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. To spice up the occasion, the wife suggests they eat dinner in the nude.

As they tuck into their starter, the wife says, "My nipples feel as hot for you as they did 50 years ago."

"I know," the man replies. "That's because they're dangling in your soup."

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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by kiwis kitten on Fri 05 Dec 2008, 3:05 pm

A man in Guernsey calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

She calls Guernsey immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay, 'he says,
'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.'

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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Fri 19 Dec 2008, 8:06 pm

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his

mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.



She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this

only made her more curious.



Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she

started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than

met the eye.



Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be

thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.



About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother

came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't

suppose she took it do you?



'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.



So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM

MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT

THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR

DINNER.



LOVE PETER



Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT

SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF

SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY

NOW.



LOVE MUM

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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Mon 12 Jan 2009, 5:19 pm

Needless to say this chap did not get in !


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Sun 18 Jan 2009, 7:45 pm

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Michigan opener when

Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches,

he asked Ole for a light.



'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then

reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.





'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic

Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'



'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'



'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.



'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.



'Could I see him?'



Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.





Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good

friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'



'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.



So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.







The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.



Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a

million ducks....flying directly overhead.







Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'



Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Thistle on Mon 19 Jan 2009, 7:55 am

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked
the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, 'That's no problem. How
many do you want?'

The man answered, 'Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one
in 4 pieces.'

The pharmacist said 'That won't do you any good.'

The elderly gentleman said 'That's all right. I don't need
them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick
out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes'.
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by ploughman on Mon 19 Jan 2009, 8:25 pm

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, th e fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the ne wspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Thistle on Wed 21 Jan 2009, 5:47 pm

ACTUAL
AUSTRALIAN COURT
DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This
time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more
amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to
the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.


The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the
lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down
under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then
she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,'
and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But,
Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'


'CASE DISMISSED!!'
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by kiwis kitten on Thu 22 Jan 2009, 1:12 pm

GOOD GRANDPA
The Good Grandpa:
A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a
grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at every
turn. It's obvious Gramps has his hands full with the
kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the
cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda. M eanwhile,
Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, 'Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy,
boy.'

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say,
'It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and
we'll be outta here -- hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing
items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled
voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't
get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool,
Albert.'

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where
Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
'You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you
were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it.
That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how
loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying
things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you for
his grandpa.'

'Thanks, lady,' said Gramps, 'But
I'm Albert --

the little b*st*rd's name is
Johnny.'




~Desire Makes Me Weak~
Sexy Isn't what u wear.... Its How U take it off
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Fri 23 Jan 2009, 8:21 pm

What kind of bee's produce milk



BOOBIES


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by kiwis kitten on Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:57 pm

The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said , "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...




~Desire Makes Me Weak~
Sexy Isn't what u wear.... Its How U take it off
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Tue 27 Jan 2009, 8:40 pm

On
reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon
the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The
stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and
forgets the coffee.

When
this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass
and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite
upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still
no coffee.

Unaccustomed
to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've
asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The
next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and
thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging
downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who
can't fly, you complain too much!"[/size]


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by ploughman on Wed 28 Jan 2009, 7:08 pm

whats the difference between a wife and a prostitute ?




ones contract,the others pay as you go!
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Wed 28 Jan 2009, 8:59 pm

MEMO
FROM ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT[/size]

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been
turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous
Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know
exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job
code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision
what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin
using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any
difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached:
Extended Job-Code List

Code Description
5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker
is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested
in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 Hiding from Boss
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 Updating Resume
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They
are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
6969 Beating off in Broom Closet
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8100 Reading e-mail
8102 Laughing while reading e-mail


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by kiwis kitten on Thu 29 Jan 2009, 9:36 am



A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it
off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes
speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming
off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and
calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance
to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche,
my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the
panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in
disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are,' he
says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche
owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you.'

The Londoner looks down in horror. 'F***ING HELL!' he
screams........'Where's my Rolex????...





~Desire Makes Me Weak~
Sexy Isn't what u wear.... Its How U take it off
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by ploughman on Thu 29 Jan 2009, 7:43 pm

A surgeon is operating on a man when his scalpel slips and he cuts off his patient’s testicles.
Panicking, he quickly inserts two onions and sews up the patient’s scrotum.
One month later the man returns for a check-up. ‘Any problems?’ the surgeon asks.
‘A few,’ the man replies. ‘I cry when I piss, my wife gets terrible heartburn after oral sex and I get an erection every time I pass a burger van.
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by kiwis kitten on Fri 30 Jan 2009, 12:46 pm

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland
asked the Priest




beside her,









"Father, may I ask a favor?"








"Of course child. What may I do for
you?"







"Well, I bought an expensive woman's
electronic hair dryer for my
Mother's birthday




that is unopened and well over the Customs
limits, and I'm afraid

they'll
confiscate it.





Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me?
Under your robes perhaps?"









"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn
you: I will not lie"









"With your honest face, Father, no one will
question you."








When they got to Customs, she let the priest go
ahead of her.
The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"










"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have
nothing to declare"









The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
"And what do you
have to declare




from your waist to the floor?"








"I have a marvellous instrument designed to
be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused."









Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go
ahead, Father. Next!"




~Desire Makes Me Weak~
Sexy Isn't what u wear.... Its How U take it off
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Sat 31 Jan 2009, 7:01 pm

You
know you're a nurse if...

You
believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.


You
would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley
one night.


You
believe not all patients are annoying ... some are unconscious.


Your
sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.


You
know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place
in town by heart.


You
can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.


Almost
everything can seem humorous ... eventually.


When
asked, "What color is the patient's diarrhea?", you
show them your shoes.


Every
time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors
and clamps in your pockets.


You
can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing
than he can.


You
carry "spare" meds in your pocket rather than wait for
pharmacy to deliver.


You
refuse to watch ER because it's too much like the real thing and
triggers "flash backs."


You
check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see
if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.


You've
been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another
table throw up.


You
notice that you use more four letter words now than before you
became a nurse.


Every
time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of
them on you.


You
can intubate your friends at parties.


You
don't get excited about blood loss ... unless it's your own.


You
live by the motto, "To be right is only half the battle,
to convince the physician is more difficult."


You've
basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.


You've
told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and
to HOLLER if they need help.


Eating
microwave popcorn out a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.


Your
bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.


When
checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure
of the answer.


You
find yourself checking out other customer's arm veins in grocery
waiting lines.


You
can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner
break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.


You
avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll
drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.


You've
sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your
chest.


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by karma on Sat 31 Jan 2009, 11:36 pm

Do you ever worry about the NHS at all ? You should -

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides (neither did I until I did it!!!).

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital (careless or what!!!)

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days (so it's not just me)

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night (well she was breathing).

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.

7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down...(I know some people like that)

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches (hedging her bets!!!)

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive...(met a few of those as well)

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid...(so that's where it's located doh!!!)

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical
therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation....(well nothing wrong there then!!!!)

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized (should be mandatory - the examination that is....!!!!)

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function....(they needed a lab test for THAT!!!)

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall spare me the details)

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities :-))))

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room (I now know where the saying 'catch your eye' came from!!!

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed (and that made him ill - well I never)

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant (hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm).

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December (come home all is forgiven)

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree( well as long as they agree)

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead (as near as you can get I suppose)

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

GOOD ADVICE..............

Stay away from hospitals !
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Thistle on Sun 01 Feb 2009, 8:46 am

Needs

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He
walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then
tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets
matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she
does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe
what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash
register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband
says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Sun 01 Feb 2009, 10:58 am

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar
who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get
your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No,
no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into
the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that
for years!"



"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by karma on Sun 01 Feb 2009, 2:04 pm

A Blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a little boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

'It's best I stay here,' he says.

'Why?', says the blonde.



'Because, I'm the xxxxing goalie!!'
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karma

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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Fri 06 Feb 2009, 5:12 pm

BEER
TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM:
Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.


SYMPTOM:
Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.


SYMPTOM:
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM:
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.


SYMPTOM:
Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.


SYMPTOM:
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM:
Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM:
Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.


SYMPTOM:
Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.


SYMPTOM:
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.


SYMPTOM:
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.


SYMPTOM:
Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM:
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.


SYMPTOM:
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.


SYMPTOM:
Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM:
Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Digger

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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by karma on Fri 06 Feb 2009, 5:49 pm

:PMSL: :PMSL: :PMSL:
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by karma on Fri 06 Feb 2009, 5:53 pm

No apologies - you started it - LOL

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest... The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
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karma

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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Thistle on Sun 08 Feb 2009, 5:57 pm








Entrants Required for KISSING
Competition




[size=12]Seven minutes, non-stop and not just
a baby kiss I mean a seven minutes French kiss. You know...tongue and
everything.. and win:

- £5,000.00 voucher from Thomas Cook Travel,


- £4,000.00 G&R furniture voucher,

- £3,00.00 voucher from
Leather Zone,

- £2,500.00 voucher from Ikea,

- £2,000.00 from
Diesel and another

- £1,500.00 from Next,

and last but not least


- £10,000.00 in cash money.

FOR THE LADIES…..




.


FOR THE GUYS
……





Come on, don't be
shy!!!!!! I bet you could use the money for a
holiday……….





































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Thistle

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Number of posts : 10987
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Thistle on Mon 09 Feb 2009, 7:25 am



An Irish daughter had
not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cussed
her.



"Where have ye been
all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
thru?"

[b]

The
girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff.... Dad.... I became a prostitute..
."


"Ye
what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this
[/b]Catholic
family."

[b]

"OK,
Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this
luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion
plus a £5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex
and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's
parked outside plus a membership to the
country

club........ ......... ....... (takes
a breath)..... ........ and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on
board my new yacht in the Riviera and...
..."

"
Now
what was it ye said ye had become?" says
Dad.


Girl,
crying again, "Sniff, sniff.... a prostitute Daddy! Sniff,
sniff."


"
[/b]Oh! My goodness! Ye
scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and
give yer old Dad a hug!

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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Mon 09 Feb 2009, 1:23 pm

"Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?"



"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."



"What sort of trouble?"



"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."



"Went away?"



"They disappeared."


"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"



"Nothing."



"Nothing?"



"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."



"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"



"How do I tell?"



"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"



"What's a sea-prompt?"



"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"



"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."



"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"



"What's a monitor?"



"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"



"I don't know."



"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"



....."Yes, I think so."



"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."



....."Yes, it is."



"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"



"No."



"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."


....."Okay, here it is."



"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."



"I can't reach it."



"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"



"No."



"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"



"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."



"Dark?"



"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."



"Well, turn on the office light then."



"I can't."


"No? Why not?"



"Because there's a power outage."


"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked
now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in?"



"Well, yes. I keep them in the closet."


"Good! Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought
it from."



"Really! Is it that bad?"



"Yes, I'm afraid it is."



"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"



"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."



"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Fast Robert on Mon 09 Feb 2009, 4:11 pm

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

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