Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

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Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Fri 07 Mar 2008, 9:13 pm

Birthday !

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.' I thought.. Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids, they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way 'Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not.

What do you have in mind ?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

>

And I just sat there...
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On the couch...

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Naked


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by kiwis kitten on Sun 09 Mar 2008, 7:34 pm

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I
can
get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers
and
said, "About two hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy
stuck
his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a
haircut?" The
barber looked around at the shop and said," About three hours." The
guy
left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and
asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop
and
said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The
barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow
that
guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait
for a
haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later
Bill
returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So
where
does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes
from
laughter and said, "Your house."




~Desire Makes Me Weak~
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Mon 10 Mar 2008, 3:42 pm

Half off these tickets
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Post by kiwis kitten on Mon 10 Mar 2008, 9:53 pm

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke!!

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back.




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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Wed 12 Mar 2008, 4:16 pm

Rules of the air

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.


2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.


3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.


4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.


5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.



6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot starts sweating.


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Post by kiwis kitten on Wed 12 Mar 2008, 5:59 pm

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...




The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and once again he whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and also spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. He tells the Lone Ranger, "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "So what is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse.... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:

"Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.
For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE".




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Post by kiwis kitten on Thu 13 Mar 2008, 10:37 pm

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up
behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for? He asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name
"Mary Ellen" written on it," she replies.

"Don't be silly, " he says "Two weeks ago when I went to the races
Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horse I bet on".
His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologized.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she
nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.






When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?"
She said.."Your f*#kin' horse phoned!"




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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by kiwis kitten on Fri 14 Mar 2008, 12:21 pm

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, (shame WE can't actually do this!)

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)



'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'




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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Sat 15 Mar 2008, 8:33 am



"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Post by Shy Torque on Sat 15 Mar 2008, 11:50 pm

Rules of the air part 2

Altitude, airspeed, ideas.....
2 out of 3 are mandatory

When a crash seems inevitable, endeavour to strike
the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity, as slowly and gently as possible.


Arctic Survival - Don't eat yellow snow....
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Sun 16 Mar 2008, 7:03 am

Fire
Hazard








The photographer for
a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke
at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home
office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured
by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough,
a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled,
"Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were
in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer,
"and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer,
and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not
the instructor"
Coco


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Post by ploughman on Sun 16 Mar 2008, 11:00 am

We call our grandad "Spiderman".

He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.
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Post by kiwis kitten on Sun 16 Mar 2008, 2:16 pm

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her



tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a




gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red



tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your



tomatoes so red?"





The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my



tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from



blushing so much."





Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same



thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two



weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.





One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way,



how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"



No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."







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Post by kiwis kitten on Sun 16 Mar 2008, 4:33 pm

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll
not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy". Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll
be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He
falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the
stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls
flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite"! He looks to the doorway and thinks
to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll
be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his
face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm f*ckin' f*cked," he says. He can see his house
just a few doors down, so he crawls to the door, hauls himself up the
door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the
stairs and says "No f*ckin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his
bedroom door, pulls himself up the door frame and says "I can make it to
the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He
says "F*ck it", crawls over to the bed, pulls himself up and into the
bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a
cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night"? Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was f*ckin' pissed. But how'd you
know?" "Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub".






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Post by Digger on Sun 16 Mar 2008, 6:36 pm

I Want to Buy That


A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Post by Shy Torque on Sun 16 Mar 2008, 8:17 pm

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the
kitchen floor.

He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging
her the Rev Mother comes in.

"SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and
keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"




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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Tue 18 Mar 2008, 9:25 pm

Real flight announcements


Occasionally, airline attendants
make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if
you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately
none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your
way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Post by Digger on Wed 19 Mar 2008, 6:19 pm

In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his
band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George
Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.


Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison
and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential
treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and
the keyboard player.


When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.



At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through
a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the
neck and shouts
















"Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!""






In a recent survey, 80% of Scousers said that they had had sex in the shower...









...the other 20% haven't been to prison yet.






Whats the difference between a Woman and a Battery?



A Battery has a Positive side.


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Shy Torque on Thu 20 Mar 2008, 5:41 pm

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as MLB 2.5, NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, NCAA Football and Basketball 4.0, Fly Fishing 6.5, and Golf Clubs 7.1. (and possibly NASCAR 400.0 or 500.0 and Texas Hold ╩Żem 2007)




Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.



What can I do?

Signed, Desperate
-------------------------------------


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
As a final backup program, you might try Bun-In-The-Oven (BITO) as a long term solution. Keep in mind that BITO can come in versions 1.0, 2.0, 3.0, etc. and requires you to sign a 9 month installation agreement followed by a 18 year maintenance contract. You should make sure your Husband 1.0 operating system is compatible with the BITO version before you install this program.




But remember, overuse of the above applications can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or even crash leaving you with no operating system.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).




Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .



In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.



Good Luck,

Tech Support




I can resist anything - except temptation
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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Thu 20 Mar 2008, 7:45 pm

What do you do if your Girlfriend starts smoking?



Slow down & use lubricant!


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Shy Torque on Thu 20 Mar 2008, 7:49 pm

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".

He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".

She replies "Well, my name was Howard, and I played for St. Helens!"




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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by KiwiG on Sun 23 Mar 2008, 2:09 am

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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by Digger on Tue 25 Mar 2008, 10:03 pm

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the

rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him,

and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from,

so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father

of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,

"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I

sh***d on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your

mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up

my a**e?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher".


"The best way to predict the future is to invent it".


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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by KiwiG on Wed 26 Mar 2008, 9:18 am

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Re: Jokes , Jokes , Jokes.

Post by ploughman on Wed 26 Mar 2008, 7:18 pm

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any pickles?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any pickles?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: "Got any pickles?"

The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. "I told you two times we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said "No."

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any pickles?"
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ploughman

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